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April 20, 2014 / jollylondon

Forgetting Who I Am

It’s been awhile since I’ve last written here and it’s not for lack of content, that’s for sure. There’s a delicate balance between wanting to vent and relate versus keeping your sh*t locked down and dealing with it in private. I guess what I really want to say is that I have been overthinking to the nth degree since moving back home. There’s a part of me that finds comfort in it because I’m so accustomed to it. But there’s that other part, consistently diminishing now that my old patterns are coming to the forefront again, that misses the ‘me’ that went with the flow and trusted my gut.

I don’t want to say that my day job is changing me, but surely, spending 9+ hours a day, more than 5 days a week is going to create some internal change if simply due to routine. On the outside, my body is shrinking again. I feel weak even if my bank account is bolstered. I forget the one who took huge risks and trusted it would all be okay. Where is she? And can I get her back before it’s too late?

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October 15, 2013 / jollylondon

It rained and rained

What I saw seemed not real, therefore, it didn’t hit me. I think it was a sign of how removed I was already. I ‘think’ Colleen’s house was submerged. Facebook became the ultimate news source. Everyone rallied together because heroes were made by the second. I watched it like someone who had never called Calgary my home. That’s unfortunate. But there were no deaths. As far as I could tell, the rich were the most affected, the millionaire dream homes on the riverbank. It seemed dangerous but controlled; a lion, caged.

It must have been a defining moment, like in a disaster movie, the apocalypse that would mean you’d finally confess to your crush that you had liked them all along and it was: sex now, or forever die a virgin.

I hope that scenario played out in living rooms and dining halls everywhere!

I followed the news closely but my loved ones were safe. I knew the city would be fine save for property damage. These structures can be re-built. I was not that concerned, too, because I saw the big picture immediately when a complete stranger mentioned it. The city needed to be cleansed, of its implicit greed, self-concern, and environmentally damaging ways. The flood was not just a bad thing, but very necessary. The rising waters high above rooftops, images made to be burned in the memory of our city’s history, of rescue, outreach, and heroism. The flood was our catharsis.

October 2, 2013 / jollylondon

Sea Baby

My baby went to sea
With oars of solid tree
Oh the oars are too heavy
The oars are too heavy
My baby’s out at sea
He pines nightly for me
My baby went to see
The blue-white storm of it
My baby my baby
He wants me to believe
In his heart the swimming
fish are drowning

May 18, 2013 / jollylondon

Bad Bed

Bad Bed

I cry out
of boredom my head on
the bed mottled
dots my things
to do
list.
(Sigh.)

Thoughts float
must jot
now don’t lose
scrap of
sanity
should do
laundry or vacuum
but the bed
compels me to lie
compels me to die
in its trance
momentarily
like crack for
the energized.
Be moving
still.

The sun blurs
bright outside
my room cocoon
children scream
laughs – what
sustains me drains
me…
I weaken.
Shhhh.
Balance is
a horizontal plane that
whispers
sleep with me.
Dreams await.
Pen
can
wait.

January 30, 2013 / jollylondon

Hmm

here i am and there you are

indeed

mm hmm

it’s not that easy

I know I never said it was

I never said you said it was I’m just saying

what can I do there are too many choices

well you can choose

what if I’m wrong

that’s not possible

anything is possible

it wouldn’t be a choice if it was wrong for you it wouldn’t even register

I know

hmm

November 30, 2012 / jollylondon

Happy We

If I write us in to being
Surely it requires seeing
You as clear as sun sky-blue
All my fears are gone by you
If I could send a thought your way
Deliberate be the words I say
Wish these words this mouth could find
Asking kindly, where’s a sign?

Perhaps, you also dream of we
As close as close can ever be
You steal a glance I give for free
We play and laugh then press repeat
If inspiration is a wisp, a seed
I’ll plant it with the hope to feed
Our love which needs a chance to grow
New fortune in this tree of gold

Clasp my hand, our dreams shall meet
Yes, I really am that sweet
Beyond the light, the light so bright
Towards the sun our wings take flight
If you ask, I won’t say no
Because sometimes when you know,
you just know you know

September 12, 2012 / jollylondon

Why Am I Here?

To be

to create

to be a channel

to use my powers for good

to learn lessons even if they are hard

to fight my ego – and win

to live fully in my skin

to be off in the clouds

to be down on the ground

to write my very own part

to start with the now

to steep in what is human

to enjoy the tea of experience

to embody all that is and ever was

to hold to love to laugh

to be forever

knowing it is just as it is

to be every part of me

to be the one who helps you see

to be the light the light so bright

I am here because.